Ape Reel Fused "A" [April Fool's Day]

The first day of April is probably my second most favorite holiday (my birthday being my all-time favorite). Sure, I teeter back and forth between Halloween and April Fool’s as #2 on my list but really, as soon as Halloween is over that first day of April keeps me goin’ and come April 2nd I am all about gunning for October 31st. Thanksgiving and the Fourth of July are fun and have their positive attributes but please, these are just placeholder holidays to bide my time and attention.

I have a healthy relationship with my inner-child and there is something about practical jokes that can get the creative juices flowing. I would post pictures of some of my previous unsavory deeds but that would be a partial admission of my involvement. Anonymity is my friend in times like these and shall be protected until I die (or get drunk).

The saddest reality is that my hands are tied at work this year; I can’t really go all-out without having serious repercussions. Having the American Bar Association onsite this week evaluating us has stymied all elaborate plans. The best I can hope for is that someone toilet papers my office, wraps my desk in newsprint, covers my walls in Post-it notes, blah blah blah = generic office pranks. [tear in my eye]

Maybe we can delay or draw out April Fool’s for a week? If it works for my birthday it should work for my next favorite holiday. Right? Bring it on!

Fishy Chicken

I hate it when my Teriyaki Chicken turns out to be [vomit] Teriyaki Salmon. I hate it even more when it's free (at work) and I can't send it back to the kitchen.

My mouth has been defiled (and I'm still hungry). I love Mondays!

Mother Nature suffers from Battered Woman Syndrome

After dropping it like it’s hot ‘til the wee hours of the morning it was a bit of a shock to wake up to a snowstorm. 24 hours ago it was 60 degrees and I thought that spring was finally here.

Honestly, Mother Nature it was great while it lasted. The past few months have been great. Sure, there were a few moments that you were a ‘rage in a cage’ and we didn’t see eye-to-eye but we worked through our problems. True, there were a few times on the road that I would have gladly ditched you. On the other hand, I will cherish the times we spent at Deer Valley this year. Sledding wouldn’t be the same without you and your personal hook-ups. My friends really liked you; you were the hit at the holiday parties and helped make my birthday one of the best ever.

After Valentine’s Day we kind’a fizzled and by St. Patrick’s Day I was done. I’m not going to lie, it’s not you…it’s me. I used you for my needs, I’m a jerk, and I freely admit that. My friends told me that we should take some time apart and I agreed. We went our ways and I thought you understood how I felt and we were cool. Fast-forward to today and you are the psycho stalker that won’t go away!

Get the hint; we have a love-hate relationship and I can only handle you for a few months at a time. I’m more of a flip-flop, t-shirts and board shorts guy and you, you…well, you wear Ugg’s, snow parkas and thermal boarding pants. My winter clothes were packed away before spring break and here you are, hanging outside my door, clueless to how annoying you have become. Your sorry attempts to reignite our love are getting tired and clingy…girl, move on!

Then again if you want to go play this weekend, gimme a call and I’ll see what I can do. There's always room for a last ditch booty call, but after next weekend you really need to lose my number.

The Barrister

Barrister's Ball Ad #3: America's Next Top Barrister

Barrister's Ball Ad #2: The Real World, SJ Quinney

Bull $h!t

For some reason my parents decided to purchase a bull last week. [Feel free to reread that introductory sentence again if you need to] I cannot recount the timeline that resulted in the new addition to our family – other than it includes an online auction, an uncle with a cattle ranch in Oklahoma, and my parents becoming members of some cattle ranchers association.

Fast forward through my confusion and unbelief…Friday I found myself leaving work and packing for an unplanned trip to Rexburg, Idaho; home to Ramirez’ carne asada burrito’s, BYU Idaho, and Bear World (guess which one of the three appeal to me). As the universe would have it, the bull was in Idaho being prepped for shipment to Oklahoma this week so we had to go see it. As the ever-skeptical member of the family I was sure that this was April Fool’s a few weeks early. This had to be an elaborate way to get me to cross back into scenic Idaho, the home I never had. As always, the joke was on me (rather the joke was on me thinking this was a joke).

Friday night was upon us as my sister and I pulled into town minutes before my parents. It’s always great to see my brother and his family – they are the best. After 15 minutes of catching up it was on to more important things: food. As mentioned above, we headed out for Ramirez' Mexican food. It’s never a good thing to eat late at night but when I’m hungry and have a craving just try to talk me into something sensible. Grease, cheese, salsa, beans & beef - what's not kosher about that at 10:00 PM?

I spent a comfy night on the floor and awoke to the news that the bull had been shipped out the day before. HAH! I knew it was a joke. Our day at the ranch was quickly canceled and an alternate itinerary needed to be generated. Hmmm, what to do in Rexburg on a Saturday? We had already had the staple, local burrito the night before so of course that meant finding another place to eat…2+ hours later we were in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. If ever you doubted my family vacation plans are centered around food let this be your shining example.

After the 30-minute stroll around historic Jackson we discovered that T-Shirt makers founded the city and it has been the core commodity since tourists descended upon the great valley. We spent an undue amount of time pondering the fact that you can attach antlers to anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, and sell it at a huge markup. I learned that many park benches there have handles underneath them that open to the cave dwelling people from The Land of the Lost (Chaka, where are?). I was disturbed by the abandoned spoon and sock near the handle but I'm sure the rightful owner will reclaim these treasures when needed.

My father insisted on taking the long drive back so he could see the Snake River. He swiftly fell asleep in the passenger seat after 5 minutes on the road. The lethargy that follows a meal with sides of beans and rice are well known (as are the other side effects). The beauty of the Targhee forest was almost enough to distract us from the fact that my brother’s Yukon Denali had been instantly converted to a CNG (compressed natural gas) hybrid. Thank goodness for the square ice cream tourist trap out in the middle of nowhere, it was a welcomed chance to stretch the legs (I neglected to mention I worked out that morning and like an idiot, I worked legs). Eventually we returned to the village of Rexburg and got dinner started. My sister-in-law had tamales all ready to go (Mexican food was the theme for this trip if you haven’t figured that out yet) and my brother and I headed to the RedBox to see what was left. The funny thing about finding a movie in a college town on a Saturday night is that there are never any viable options. Complicating our situation was the reality of watching a film that the parents, a wife, and a sister would enjoy (this is an instant 3 strike rule). With a “borrowed” copy of The Taken in the DVD player we watched and learned to be fearful of Parisian prostitution rings and simultaneously wondered why we were eating Mexican food again?!

Another night on the floor and a solid kink in my neck made for a fun drive back to Utah. One might think that the freezing rain, snow, and road sludge were icing on the cake but that honor is reserved for our road trip lunch stop…Taco Bell. My expectations for dining while on the road are lowered and when having to select from the options in Blackfoot, Idaho they are severely lowered. We all have moments of weakness; this was more like a moment of disgrace.

As for the bull? Well, that could very well be just a load of bull $h!t. True Story.

Off the wagon: Part Deux

So much for going without soda. Roadtrips allow for these types of small exceptions: family gatherings, Idaho, and lengthy car rides through the land called desolation cause people to do crazy things.

Stay posted for pictures of the new family pet (this one might get me to hit the hard stuff).

My Coke is the one on the left, in case you wondered.

The End of an (Expensive) Era

The day has finally come. After over 5 years of being at my current workplace I finally caved. I’m not sure what led to this turn of events but this can easily be categorized as life changing (for me). I have resisted the urge, I have had little reason to change, the incentives were never there, it is purely selfish and the money spent on perpetuating this nasty habit is something that only Wells Fargo can comprehend.

Yes my friends, I have brought my lunch to work. (Gasp) As a hush falls over the crowd let me assure you that this took 4 days of vacation time to get around to cooking something, let alone something that would allow leftovers to fill the Gladware that collects dust in the cupboards. Mark your calendars for this momentous occasion since one of my main reasons for not bringing lunch is based in the hard fact that we have food for events all of the time. It’s not that unusual for those that regularly bring a lunch let it spoil in the fridge since there is something more tasty in the lounge, left at the front desk, or a group heading down the street for a bite.

Granted, I am the one that usually gathers a group and heads out the door to pick up something from 1300 East or 400 South but I’m turning a new leaf. I promise to minimize my role as the tempter for those that bring their lunch – it hasn’t been my intent to be the lunch hour Lucifer. My promises and proposals for succulent options that sound better than your smashed PB&J or microwave diet entrée.

I now join the ranks of those in line at the microwave to reheat some smelly dish. I am sad to say goodbye to my spendy dining habits but I’m sure I will feel better about the money I save.

Then again, I just got the email that we are having salads delivered at 12:30. Screw the Spanish Rice and Chicken in the mini-fridge – I’m off the (chuck)wagon. True Story.

a sidenote to D-Byrd:

In case you were wondering where Tuesdays with Morrie disappeared to (from your May '02 MGMT 3123 course) it's living on my nightstand in Utah. Come claim it, maybe you can sell it back to the OSU bookstore...

Spring Cleaning (Online)

Spring break has almost come to a close and the rotation of winter wool slacks for summer shorts is almost complete. I have been going through boxes that have been in storage for years in an attempt to divest the old and streamline what stays. I’ve found everything from high school yearbooks to a hardback of Tuesdays with Morrie that I borrowed from D-Byrd years ago (dude, I will return it as soon as you send me an address).

In the tradition of spring cleaning I have applied the concept to the ever increasingly annoying realm of Facebook. I have long scorned the sidebar of “People You Might Know” and wondered how on earth would I know these people?! Part of the madness stems from those that appear in the “friends in common” near the unknown offenders profile pic (you know, that thumbnail that either looks like a prostitute, a cell phone self-portrait, or some baby picture that only a mother could love). In the hopes of minimizing the 6-degrees of separation between me and [insert the name of a childhood neighbor of your third cousin, twice removed here] I have gone back to removing “friends” that aren’t contributing to my life.

There isn’t really a nice way to say why you would remove someone from your friend list but really, if you have ever hit “add” as a courtesy you know the trouble this brings. Sure there are the options of limited profile viewing but then there are just those that bring about online baggage. Don’t feel bad if you are a casualty of spring cleaning 2009. I can’t lie and say it’s nothing personal, in all actuality that is the problem – there is nothing personal between us as Facebook friends.

Harsh reality for some, true story for me.

Barrister's Ball 2009 "Biggest Loser Edition"

It's time again for the Barrister's Ball (aka law school prom). This year the ads were inspired by reality TV and they come in a few flavors. Here is the first one that dropped right before spring break. Stay tuned for future spots - I can guarantee at least one vicious cat fight over lotion and lip gloss in a Real World spoof that includes a butcher knife.

A big thanks to Jesse Nix for taking the time to film, edit, and post these (and everyone else that put their legal careers in jeopardy by participating in these).

Oh-My-Gawd

Worth more than 1,000 words but they start with "Jackie Chiles Law Society" and end in laughter...

Karma is a Beach

After my last post (sent from the car wash) I had to take a break – seems the universe repaid me for sharing my opinion and judgment. I will not go into detail but the penalty for mocking someone in the car wash came with a hefty price. I am too embarrassed to even post the few photos of what the rest of the day entailed. For those that I trust I will (or already have shared) the 4 photos of shame. So far only Kate has betrayed my trust and shared it with an entire table at the Tepanyaki Japanese Grill in Lehi.

Silver lining: I learned that if I didn’t own a Honda things may have turned out for the worse

Another karmic example would be the hilarity of dog sitting and my misguided attempt to let a chocolate lab act as the steam locomotive that could pull me on my longboard. I promise, I do have three college degrees and a marginal understanding of physics. As with all great disasters, it seemed like a good idea at the time. [How could this be any different from being towed on skis behind a snowmobile up a ski slope? Really?]

Things were fine until my center of gravity and the velocity of the dog were compromised by the unexpected variable known to the layman as ducks. Yes, I abandoned ship as the gallop turned into the “seek and destroy” velocity of a guided missile. My K-9 ward, sweet and affable, experienced a demonic possession by the spirit of that laughing dog from Nintendo’s Duck Hunt. Off towards the grass and ganders the dog leapt. I released the leash while having a flashback to an A-Team episode where Hannibal gave sage advice to Ace: roll when you hit the ground. This mental interstitial quickly gave way to a choice four-letter expression that was socially allowable for the circumstances. My struggle to stay upright translated into a vaudeville characterization that was more Scooby-Doo than controlled. In a battle that was lost within seconds, I opted for a face-to-face greeting with the slimy grass of Sugar House park. The freshly melted and exposed grass made for a well-greased slide that accommodated my graceful quasi-cart wheeled belly flop.

While slopping the mud off of my knees I thought about how stupid I must look. Ego and embarrassment almost took hold until I had to answer to a dog that was hell-bent on doing at least one lap around the park. I couldn’t disappoint the dog so with leash in hand and mud in my eye we kept on chugging (longboard in hand, not under foot). After one lap I stowed the board and we made another round and the mud eventually flaked off. One more opportunity to laugh at myself.

The universe had many lessons to teach this past week. As always, I made the ideal pupil and obviously obliged. In any event I had a great time dog sitting, longboarding, getting a free mud scrub, and generally making a spectacle of myself in public. True Story.

For kicks here is a quickie to make up for my recent silence:
Last weekend also included a visit to Joe’s Crab Shack – I give it two enthusiastic thumbs down. Even with low expectations that place can’t pass muster. The only saving grace would be the company that you surround yourself with (two thumbs up + a Macarena dance).

Matt’s Dining Tip #428b: Make sure that you don’t ask for lemon with your fish at Joe’s Crab Trap. Why, why would you not want to ask for lemon with your fish?! Well, since you are asking I will tell you. For some reason this request equates to asking your waitress to turn into a sneering, neglectful, nasty Cracken. Never, I repeat, NEVER ask for lemons and (whatever level comes above never) ask for more lemons. And if you are going to leave a 10% gratuity you better be able to haul ass outta there.

DuMass at the car wash

It never ceases to amaze me at how foolish some people are. From the
picture you can tell homeslice is a little too far to the left -
damage ahead! He proceeded to back up and forth nine times (it was
like watching drivers ed for the spatially challenged). He never got
it right so I had to go elsewhere to de-funk my car.

If you see these Michigan plates on the road make sure you steer clear.