A job well done

The phrase “well done” can have many meanings. With ordering burgers it means no bloody mess in the middle, please. When it’s a prime cut of beef it means you have no idea how to order a steak. At times of exhaustion and work stress it means you can breathe and maybe even crack a smile (gold star stickers are optional around my office).

I try to avoid posting anything related to work due to etiquette and my life of mild secrecy. This time it’s OK since you have no real context and this falls under the category of me getting to play the straight man in a tense situation.

Today the result of "a job well done" resulted in the following comical exchange. But first, let's set the stage for this short conversation (see what Sundance does to you, everyone becomes a director).

...lower the house lights, cue the orchestra, raise the curtain, spotlight on me (of course) and an unnamed gentleman of stature, kill the music, cue the dialog...

[Gentleman] “I should be jumping for joy at this news”

[Me] "or jumping under the table”

[Gentleman] “or out the window”

[Me] “we're on the ground floor and your window barely opens”

[Gentleman] “Point taken.”

This is what happens when you are up to your eyes in special projects that appear to be making progress. As life would have it, you get more difficult, I mean special, projects thrown at you.

Think of Nancy Kerrigan right after she got her legs smashed by Jeff Gillooly. In my mind I was not so calm, my inner voice was loudly proclaiming, "Why?!...why?!...why is this happening to me?!" Only time will tell if this new project leads back to Tonya Harding. If it does, heaven help us all.

I don’t mind that you have no idea why the 5 lines of dialog above made me and the other person laugh (a laugh that sounds like if it weren't a chuckle it could easily be mistaken for a nervous cry). Then again, this blog is for my enjoyment and not so much yours.

True Story.

Personal Day, #32

The annual event known as my birthday week has drawn to a close. I could go into the family folklore of how and why I celebrate half-birthdays and at times, quarterly and monthly birthdays but that takes up too much page space here. Please just accept the fact that I've had 32 attempts at great birthdays, most of them successful.

Thank you to everyone that contributed to my own version of VH1’s Best Week Ever. Thanks for the lunches, dinners, parties, and well wishes. And most of all, thanks to President Obama for agreeing to combine his inauguration as a way to kick off my week.

Birthdays have to be one of the most selfish things ever invented. I think that is why I like to share them with as many people as possible. My circle(s) of friends are strung across many walks of life and I think that the universe might implode if everyone was under the same roof. It’s been that way for most of my life so I have opted to spend quality time with smaller groups than one big night of stress, streamers, and screamers.

A true highlight this year was hitting six great Sundance films at the festival with my friends Jesse and Brian. I put my trust in others and abstained from picking any of the movies we would go see. Seems I don’t have the best luck in movie selection. You see, the festival and I have had a love-hate relationship over the past few years. My issues date back to sitting in the Park City library theater with my head between my legs doing controlled breathing so I didn’t puke all over the seats in front of me. Turns out I have been blessed with not only a small bladder but also a squeamish stomach. While watching Stephanie Daley give birth in her ski pants I just about lost it. Never fear, whatever vomit made it up my esophagus went back down.

This year my luck swung in the other direction. All six movies were great in their respective ways. Screenings were scattered over three days in Salt Lake City and Park City. I had the chance to see (in order of viewing):

Burma VJ: documentary about the video reporters in Burma

The Reckoning: documentary about the International Criminal Court’s in the Hague and their work prosecuting crimes against humanity

Push: Based on the novel by Sapphire: amazing. Even Penelope from SNL can't top this story

Moon: a sci-fi flick that has moral twists and turns rather than alien implausibility

Dead Snow: med students at a remote winter cabin are attacked by WWII German Nazi Zombies (yes, it was freakishly scary, funny at times, & subtitled)

Dare: Cruel Intentions on crack + threeways - censorship = Dare

Granted, I sat through a large portion of Dead Snow with my eyes covered or punching Jesse in the arm but there was no vomit or gag reflexes that kicked in this year.

All in all, it was a week that has me free from complaints. I am lucky to have so many wonderful friends that put up with a week of my birthday (and the month leading up to the blasted day). It was such a success this year we are planning an encore for Tuesday night. In case you need a reason to get everyone around a TV to watch American Idol on Tuesday just tell everyone you are hosting a birthday party in my honor. Order up some Este Pizza, crank up the volume, add some friends, and let the laughs roll.

Happy birthday indeed!

Could you use that in a sentence?

I think there should be a rule that you cannot not use a word in general conversation that you could not readily spell or at least have spell check suggest as an alternate.

Building on that rule, you should not generate a random pronunciation of the aforementioned word to match your pending misspelling of the word.

This week my ears have witnessed some egregious mispronunciations and ignorant uses of multi-syllabic words. Sounding smart and being smart are two VERY separate things.

Great News! I’m Pregnant...

...or at least I have the cravings of a pregnant lady. I swear on the graves of both my crazy grandmothers that I should never go grocery shopping while hungry. On days that I do cardio at the gym (like today) I am closer to having the brainpower of a single-celled organism than someone that has opposable thumbs.

For anyone that has known me long enough you know that I tend to get very VERY specific cravings. It would get me in trouble while living in Texas because I had no problem driving an hour (sometimes a lot more) just to satisfy what my stomach desired. I use the word “our” because my stomach and I are two distinct beings. When it gets hungry enough it will carry our conversations and blurt out its demands in the form or some of the loudest growls and grumbles known to the scientific community. Helen Keller would be scared to death by the sudden and violent declarations from my social stomach.

I figure, my body knows when it needs carbs – it’s when I get amped for chicken pasta salad and a baked potato; when it needs protein – I find myself in the butcher shop at the local grocer; when it needs glucose – I can chug cranberry juice like an alcoholic at a free all-you-can-drink beer garden (keep the bladder infection comments to a minimum).

Moving on…tonight I found myself at Smith’s (Kroger to the rest of the world) searching for a treat that I had discovered two weeks ago: Chocolate Chunk Pecan Cookies. They were the perfect example of a substantial cookie –the right level of chewiness and packed with chunks of, well chunks of chocolate and pecans. I had a new favorite on my list and I wasn’t going home without those tasty morsels in my bag.

There were two tables of cookies near the bakery and not one package that had a label that included “pecans.” I circled the table at least two times before I started stacking and rearranging each clear plastic container. It never occurred to me that they might not always have this variety or that they could all be gone. I knew in my heart of hearts that one was hiding – one that was ready to come home with me. After constructing small towers resembling the New York City skyline I was trying not to panic as each one was simply labeled Chocolate Chunk or Oatmeal Walnut.

Here is where the After-School Special portion of my story comes in…as I was about to give up and ask an employee for help I saw what could be, what I hoped would be, what really was…Chocolate Chunk Pecan. (Never give up on your dreams kids, never.) I caught myself whispering a sharp self-congratulatory “ha!” It got the attention of another shopper but at this point there was no room for self-consciousness. Who could be embarrassed by the fact that they were in possession of the only box of these cookies in the whole store? I had rearranged two tables of baked goods looking for this one package. It was a strange yet good feeling. My stomach approved and allowed my brain to start thinking about other essentials like milk, cereal, and fruit. I casually gathered my other items and headed for the self-checkout. It was a productive trip to the grocery store but time to get home and bust open those cookies.

The kicker of it all…I know, you are asking how could there be more? You got the damn cookies dude! Well, I got home, unpacked the goods, poured a glass of cold milk and took two cookies for the victory banquet. My first bite was filled with expectations, expectations of chewy chocolate and subtle hints of cinnamon and nutmeg goodness. As anyone familiar with Windows Vista can relate to, my cookie was dry, cracked, and not quite like the last version. How quickly these cookies were taken off my stomach’s list of desired desserts.

Betrayal of the worst kind: dining inconsistency

(For those that might be wondering, of course I didn’t throw them out – I dipped them in milk and pretended that I just didn’t waste $4 on a dozen Chocolate Chunk Pecan doorstops)

Personality Quiz: Judge Me By My Movies - Not a Questionnaire

For as long as there has been email there have been quizzes and questionnaires that present themselves as social divining rods that place you in simple, pigeonholed classifications. Are you a nurturer, a leper, giving, or needy? Are you compassionate, selfish, a leader, or a wallflower? For some reason answering 20 fill-in-the-blank questions or complying with “delete my answers and insert your own then forward to everyone you know” has the power to cast you as a red, yellow, blue, or white personality. Who needs to read books, visit with a therapist, or internalize deep questions when all you really need to decide is are you hugs or kisses, chocolate or vanilla, and who is most/least likely to reply?

Well in the spirit of all things asinine I am going to present you with my own personality test. One that has no relevance to anything other than what you can take away from my choice of DVD purchases. Mind you, these are not what I have rented or what is on my top 10 list. These are movies I have either inherited, been gifted, or spent my own dollar on. My subconscious decisions to keep or dismiss a movie are similar to the dilemma of the decision maker found on such fine TV shows as ElimiDate or Parental Control (translated as: there is a method to my madness but it is particular to each movie – no broad, sweeping checklist for what stays or goes). I am unable to list those that have been shunted to the trash so, just like online personality tests, this just got even more unscientific.

Sure there are plenty of movies I would like to own but I have restrained my purchases to a minimum. I have not gone down the path like some that buy a movie rather than Redboxing it. They have a collection of titles that triggers a “what the hell were you thinking when you bought this?!” response. The reply is usually along the lines of, “I thought it could be good” or my personal favorite, “It was on sale for $2.99, so worth it! Right?”

The only time I have ever found myself internally debating the “it is on sale” defense was at a local grocery store as a group of friends were discovering the treasures in the bin by the registers. I saw two classics that had to come home with me. The original Vacation and Fletch – two classic Chevy Chase flicks that would eventually sustain me as I went 6 weeks without cable after moving. That fact alone speaks volumes to who I am but in an attempt to add fuel to the fire (like an arsonists in an oil field) here is a list of the small video vault that resides in my ottoman:

(In no particular order, seriously)
National Lampoons Vacation, The Baxter, Drop Dead Gorgeous, Clue, Hot Fuzz, Blazing Saddles, Labyrinth, Office Space, American Beauty, Casino Royale, Fletch, In Bruges, The Big Lebowski, Psycho Beach Party, B.A.P.S., Nacho Libre, Seasons 1-3 of the Family Guy, Season 1 of MXC, The Sandlot, Toy Story 1 & 2, BMW Films: the Driver, Saints and Soldiers, Spellbound, Super Size Me, Saved, Goldmember, Zoolander, Young Frankenstein, Top Gun, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Airplane!, Waiting for Guffman, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the Goonies, Three Amigos, Teen Wolf 1 & 2, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Spaceballs, Step Into Liquid, Riding Giants, and Career Opportunities.*

*I confess that Career Opportunities is not actually mine. It has been high-jacked from my friend Mason, the czar of movies. I have watched it about 5 times in the past 2 months and think it is a sleeper classic of the 80’s. If you haven’t seen it you can always come over and watch it before Mason demands I return it.

So mull those over and try and figure out what my personality is. There is a story behind every purchase and I can elaborate extensively on each one (if required).

Just testing out mobile uploads from my phone. A nice view from my living room.