How to pretend you’re living in New York City without actually living there...

Here is an oldie but goodie. I revisited my old blog (shockingly it was still up and going).

I thought I would repost one of my more favorite entries (especially since I gleaned it from the ladies in NYC). Laugh and crack a smile while reading the following - they are all good steps towards living the hustle and bustle of a big city. If you cannot "live the dream" in NYC you can at least daydream one in SLC.

Laugh it up chuckles. It's a bit long but they are all great suggestions.

Originally posted on my old blog: Friday, October 13, 2006

How to pretend you’re living in New York City without actually living there... 1. When eating in a restaurant, eat right next to someone, even if there is NO ONE else in the restaurant. Scoot your table over if needed. 2. Make sure you have at least a 45 min. commute to work. 3. When ordering food, pretend the person taking the order doesn't speak English. 4. Barter the next time you make your next purchase at a clothing store. 5. Pretend a complete stranger is homeless and give them a dollar or some spare change. 6. Don't go to sleep before 1:00am every night. 7. Light a cigarette and leave it outside your front door so you have to walk through the smoke every time you walk outside. 8. Get someone to pee on your sidewalk. 9. Have a friend ask you if you have any spare change every 5-7 minutes. 10. Visit the mental ward at the hospital and ask to talk with a few of the patients. 11. Hang a big light outside your bedroom window so your room is never completely dark. 12. Feel free to walk whenever possible. 13. Yell loudly at anything that slightly annoys you. 14. Yell as loud as you can when cars pass you. (kind of like the subway) 15. Pay at least 15 dollars for dinner whether or not it was worth it. 16. Move all the furniture in your apartment in three inches to make your place seem smaller. 17. Run around your block 6 times before going in your front door to simulate walking up 6 flights of stairs. 18. Buy 5 pidgins and 3 rats and keep them as pets in your front lawn. Be sure to keep a bag of garbage out there as food. If you're lucky they'll multiply. 19. Get a cockroach (real or fake) at least 3 inches long and stick it in your bathroom. 20. Take a cold shower....pretend you don't have any hot water. 21. Pay double your rent. 22. Eat dinner at 9:00 on a normal basis. 23. Refer to North and South as uptown and downtown 24. Collect To-Go Menus 25. Assign names to different sections of your town (such as midtown, the village, theatre district, financial district) and actually use them. 26. Make 10 Starbucks signs and hang them on every corner in a one-mile radius. 27. Spray paint the words "dog water" on the sidewalk. 28. Call for an ambulance or a fire truck just for background noise. 29. Follow an ice cream truck. 30. Pretend the next guy you see is a celebrity and follow him for a few blocks. 31. The next time you see two guys together, pretend their dating. 32. Ask someone if they're waiting 'on line'. 33. The next time someone asks you a question on the street...ignore them. 34. Invade everyone's personal space. 35. Walk at twice the normal speed. ---pretend you were supposed to be there 10 minutes ago. 36. join a gym and get a dog---maybe if you don't want to buy one, you could just walk someone else's dog. 37. tell someone to 'axe in faifth'. 38. Hit on every woman you see...whether or not you think they are attractive. 39. Use your horn for no reason. 40. When walking have no regard for traffic. 41.Turn off all your lights, but turn up your thermostat and pretend it's another New York heat wave. 42. Call in to work and tell them it's a transit strike and you won't be able to make it in today. 43. Find the smallest grocery store in your town and shop there. Who needs selection?! 44. Complain about the tourists...even if there aren't any. 45. Paint your car yellow and start charging your friends $2.50 to get in the door and 35 cents for each 1/5 mile. 46. Get a small water spray bottle and spray your self with water to simulate New York humidity. (make sure to get as wet as possible.) 47. Get a friend to randomly throw a whole bucket of water on you to simulate random rain storms. Make sure that you DON'T have an umbrella. 48. Try not to look at the stars for a whole week or more so that you forget what they look like. 49. Go to the top of the highest building and then pretend there is another good 40 stories above you. 50. Interact with as many different cultures as possible. 51. When someone talks to you on the street assume their crazy and that they want money. 52. Feel free to carry around a boom box with you at all times. Cover it with a black plastic bag, just incase you get hit with one of those random rainstorms...(I guess that is what it would be for) 53. Ask for just ONE slice of pizza. 54. When walking if someone gets in your way say 'Excuse me!' to get them to move But if someone behind you says...Excuse me..., just glare at them and keep walking, even a tad bit slower if you want. 55. Wait for a car to come, walk right in front of it and then yell: "I'm walking here!!" 56. Go rollerblading (remember it's the cool thing to do in NYC) and ask 50 of your friends (maybe one with a green truck) to start running uphill just as you come downhill. Be sure to use rollerblades with out breaks. 57. Pour yourself a coke and charge yourself $6, and don't forget to tip. 58. Wait until it's 24 degrees out and then walk the four miles to work. 59. Hold a dance party on your roof. Make everyone climb up a ladder out your window to get to the top. 60. Call the Chinese restaurant and demand that they deliver your food to you. In 5 minutes. 61. Carry all of your laundry, in your suitcases, 5 buildings away from yours, or to the local Laundromat. (even though you have units on your floor/in your apt) Make sure it is uphill. And it is raining. 62. Go to the middle of the quad, or lawn, and lay out in your bathing suit. Make sure there is no water to swim in anywhere near. 63. When at the grocery store, ask that they deliver your groceries. For free. Do the same everywhere you go. 64. Go to the movies and ask if you can pay $10.75 and request the first row. On the side. 65. When walking down the street, don't move out of people's way, stare them down until they get out of your way. If need be, bump into them. They will learn eventually. 66. Pretend you are a tourist and randomly stare up at the sky. Point and say 'what is THAT?!' to no-one in particular and see how many people you can get to look up too. 67. When driving disregard ALL traffic lane markings or signals. 68. Don't ever turn right on red. 69. Pull up to another car at a stoplight, roll down your window, and ask the car next to you where the nearest subway station is. Tell them that you need to take the C to one-oh-third street. And then say, oh don't ever take the A, except on nights and weekends and when there is construction. And the D NEVER goes local. Uptown OR downtown. You don't make THAT mistake twice. 70. Wear your ipod all the time and when people talk to you, pretend you don't hear them. Whatever you do, don't make eye contact. 71. When someone holds the door open for you, give them your change. 72. Separate all of your garbage and recyclables, then throw them all away. 73. Make your closet into a bedroom and sublet it for $900 a month. 74. Start tipping your friends. 75. Don't start your weekend fun until 1:00am. 76. Attend every party that you hear about. Remember it doesn't matter if you know the person or not. 77. Maintain alternate side parking rules. Be sure to double park for an hour and a half each morning. 78. Drive around the block 8 times looking for a parking space. When you find one, make sure it's only 10 ft wide. Try to parallel park anyway. 79. Rig your local fire hydrant to spray water 15ft in the air. Get the local neighborhood kids to come play in the water. 80. Set up a domino table on the corner. Try to get old men to come play until 4am on a Tuesday. 81.Stand outside the theater (not the movie, one where they do actual plays/musicals) at 5:30pm and ask where the line is for the lottery. Demand since you're the only one there they should have a ticket for you. Make sure to bring friends to increase your chances of winning. 82. Go to a different ward every month. This will help you think that new people are moving in and out of your ward. 84. Buy three different colors of spray paint, a frying pan lid, a cup, and spray paint scenic pictures of your town and sell them to people walking by. 85. At the end of each day take your garbage and pile it out in front of your house. Make sure that everything is in black garbage bags and that you don't throw it out before 10pm. 86. Refine your break dancing skills and dance at any public gathering. Be sure to ask for money at the end. 87. Next time you go to a museum. Tell them that you would like to only pay a dollar since its only a suggestion donation...right? When they refuse, acted surprised and tell you..ll be back on Friday when it's free. 88. When driving anywhere, make sure to print out plenty of mapquest directions. Be sure to not follow them or read them backwards. It is also ok to skip numbers, cause it doesn't really matter if you..re going north or south anyway. 89. Feel free to dress as you please...use accessories like hats, belts, necklaces and bags. If you need help deciding, dress in a different decade each week. If this idea scares you, just wear black. 90. Get really excited every time you see a Broadway musical soundtrack in a store. 91. Stand almost completely in the middle of the road and try to get a car to stop. When they do, get in and ask them how much it will be to get to your destination (remember to barter). Pretend they are a gypsy cab. 92. Host a party. Make sure to use Evite to send invitations. 93. Be sure to furnish your apartment with furniture you find off the street. 94. Be sure to get rid of unnecessary furniture (remember you don't really have room for it.) First thing to go should be the kitchen table....eat standing or on the couch. 95. Feel free to dance in the grocery store, clothing store, park or wherever else is necessary. 96. Try walking around your apartment naked. It's best to do it in the nighttime with your blinds open when your neighbors might be home. It..s helpful if you live RIGHT next to someone. 97. Leave all windows open so that any animal passing by can visit or die in your living room. 98. Put an extra lock on your front door and two more on your bedroom door so that you have to unlock at least 5 locks before you get to your bedroom. 99. Occasionally fall asleep on your couch with the light on, all your daytime clothes and shoes still on. 100. Get 50 (or more) of your friends to walk around with you at ALL times. Originated by: Sara Jane Lundquist Contributions by: Valerie Baker and Anne Wright Edited by: Sara Jane Lundquist, Anne Wright and Jessica Harris

For the love of the shame, er uh game

There is something to be said for being downright awful at a sport/game but still playing because it’s fun. Now I am overly competitive but that’s reserved for academic pursuits and three-legged races.

When it comes to things like tennis – the game of choice this summer – I can honestly say that my game is in need of some serious work. We’re not talking “quick fixer-upper” this is more like implode the money pit and start from scratch. Sad, but true – I’m all location, location, location but need professional TLC and some serious weekend DIY. How did I get off on the home renovation metaphor…FOCUS Matt, focus!

There was once a time when this type of realization would degrade into apathy and the eventual shelving of my racket. My fifth grade coach would be horrified at how bad my form is these days. If video existed of my backhand I might just drop my jaw is disbelief as much as I was dropping my elbow. But there needs to be a (re)starting place, right? Ego has little place on the court when you are a lame duck like me. It’s an exercise in watching, practicing, and implementing new habits – it’s an exercise in humility.

My serve is consistent – consistently in the net but at least I’m not knocking birds out of the sky or retrieving the ball from the other courts.

My long shot is great – I can hit the ball really long. It’s getting inside the lines that proves challenging and I love a challenge.

My short game is short – short on skill but I am becoming fast friends with the net since I seem to keep hitting the ball right at it.

Now that I have exposed my (lack of) skill on the court, who’s up for a game? It’s all “for the love”– if you don’t love it – I might just have you leaving the court hating it.

Doubles anyone?

There’s more to eating out than Chili’s

It’s no secret that I have rules about eating out – mainly rules that protect my palette from repetitive mediocre food. For example, having a peer group that eats out at least five times a week (or more) there are certain default locations that have good people opening their wallets for yet another smothered burrito or chicken strips. This mindless dining is something that takes a careful hand to wean people away from. I will only cover one of my dining rules here - this is the foundation for all other rules:

Rule 1: Friends don’t let friends eat at Chili’s more than twice a month! No matter how many things you “love” on the menu, the molten chocolate cake is not the apex of dessert people, let’s be honest.

I admit that when you get a group of 5-10 people together it’s hard to find a place that everyone will like. As a responsible adult I feel it necessary to put a halt to the frequent (and predictable) suggestions of “hey, what about Chili’s/Friday’s/Café Rio/Costa Vida/another Hot & Ready Pizza?” Like a group Intervention with the roles are reversed, the voice of the minority should rage against the machine until minds of the masses are opened. For the same price or a dollar more you can be granted admittance to the world of "better" food.

Like the old lady on Sit-and-Fit, you should start off slow when starting a new regimen (if you aren't catching the reference think about the old aerobics lady on PBS that is usually seen seated with a beach ball in her hands).

For all of you that complain when the group is debating on where to go (and you usually internalize the fact that there is never a standout candidate) this is your chance to add an option that can make a difference (remember that I am talking about dinner here, not the Republican primary). Before you follow the crowd to another establishment that has “awesome chips and queso” and "can split the bill 10 ways" try throwing out one of the suggestions and avoid the "let's meet up at Chili's" syndrome.

Garden Park Café, Grand America Hotel: 555 South State Street, SLC
It’s not as expensive as you might think. The buffet is great for lunch or go for brunch over the weekend. If you want to pony up for a nice dinner go there on a Saturday night during the summer for their Jazz night – it’s work the extra coin.

Este Pizza: 2021 South Windsor (840 East), Sugarhouse
It’s New York pizza – you cannot order pineapple and Canadian bacon here (well, you can but they charge you $99.00 to open the can of pineapple). Grab a roll of paper towels and dab your slice until you can fold it without creating a drainage chute for the grease.

The Stella Grill: 1100 East 4291 South, SLC
Try the Italian Cheeseburger – it’s a great departure on whatever your favorite is at Reb Robin (I love the RR, don’t get me wrong – I went there for my birthday so a group could be appeased. Hell, throw RR out there so you can at least get the A-1 burger of the usual).

Moochies: 232 East 800 South, SLC
Great Cheesesteak – get the peppers, ditch the onions, and say yes to the Whiz.

Joe Morley’s BBQ: 100 West Center (7720 South), Midvale
Just go and eat like a glutton – don’t forget the rootbeer. Your inner child will love the messy BBQ sauce and your taste buds will praise your brain for remembering about good’ole Joe Morley’s.

Finn’s: 1624 South 1100 East, SLC
Another great cheeseburger in Salt Lake – this place looks like IKEA threw up all over the place (in a tasteful way, of course). Grab an apple on the way out the door too. WARNING: They do not split the bill here (it keeps the cheap-o's away and helps keep large groups to a minimum).

The Lone Star Taqueria: 2265 Ft. Union Blvd (7200 South), SLC
Nab yourself a beef tamale and a fish taco. It’s great after skiing or a day hiking up Big or Little Cottonwood canyon.

These are just a small handful of places for you to visit before forking over another $20 to that waiter wearing too much flair. Even if you cannot sway the heard of friends away from their habitual dining habits you can go venture out with a small few. Let the revolution begin.

Feel free to add to this initial list - I tried to keep it eclectic and close to SLC.

For help in finding worthwhile places to eat and some honest reviews try visiting: http://www.gastronomicslc.com/

An attempt at naming my favorite 10 songs

Here's my Top 10 songs (in no order other than their respective decade) with a snippet of where I was when I mentally tagged it as a favorite and other useless facts that I associate with the song. I had to whittle this down from a list of 50 so any song can easily be replaced (I guess that fact alone doesn’t solidify this as a true top 10 – but you can get over it, I did).

80’s-
Journey: Don’t Stop Believin’
Branch Crossing YMCA, The Woodlands, TX. We would pump this through the sound system at our rock climbing gym and make fools of ourselves trying to pull off insane dyno moves.

Wang Chung: Everybody Have Fun Tonight
10467 Pine Grove Street, Rancho San Diego, CA. My girlfriend in fifth grade did a dance to this for our talent show. My siblings and I, along with my cousins, were relegated to a jazzy number from the Chorus Line – red sequin top hats and all. This was the kind of emotional stain that never wipes clean. I start to seize every time I hear the lyrics and break out into a cold sweat when our home movie starts to play. It's the train wreck of family documentaries - truly the stuff only the camcorders of the late 80's can capture. On the flip side, Wang Chung masks that musical scar and that's why I really like it.

Tears for Fears: Everybody Wants to Rule the World Tonight
Park City, UT. Our entire school bus would sing this song when the bus driver would crank up the music. It was usually followed by Karma Chameleon or Shout! Oh the days of the Book Mobile and the Scholastic book orders, 1985 was a good year.

Eurythmics: Sweet Dreams (are Made of This)
Cruising somewhere on the Glendale freeway, CA. As kids we would jam to this while buckled into the back seat of our brown full-size conversion van (the minivan didn't really exists back then). It had an orange racing stripe and I’m told on good authority that it was a bitchin upgrade from the standard soccer mom station wagon of the day. Think of it as the colorblind version of the A-Team van. "Who am I to disagree..."

Jefferson Starship: We Built this City
Rancho San Diego, CA. VH1 may have named this the worst song of all time but my sisters and I would rock out like we were in the bad green screen video with the band. That is, if we weren’t watching the Karate Kid on VHS and turning the family room into the dojo of death. Time to wear the bath robes and start kung-fu kicking the throw pillows on the couch. Hi-yah!

90’s-
Digital Underground: The Humpty Dance
Emerald Junior High, El Cajon, CA. The first big Jr. High dance I busted a move to this and proved to my peers that this skinny white kid could find a beat and throw down some moves.

Seal: Crazy
Villa Espana, Rancho San Diego, CA. My cousin bought the 'single' tape (it's all we could afford with our allowance) and we listened to it over and over. This was, of course, before he turned into a hapless white suburban gangsta. I can look back and see how it all happened – there’s nothing more troubling that a misspent youth in middle-class suburbia with parents that made it rain when called upon to do so. It was a hard-knock life for us (more for him than me judging by where we are today).

Duncan Sheik: Reasons for Living
Resmar Road, La Mesa, CA. Post high-school pseudo-maturity. This song placed me in the universe (as did the Smashing Pumpkins, the Red-Hot Chili Peppers, and my disdain for Hootie and the Blowfish). This one's not a real radio-play song and that's why it's on this list.

Warren G: Regulate
37C Balham Park Road, London SW12. This put living in the ghetto’s of London in perspective while making me laugh at the fact that my roommate from Rose Park, Utah would listen to it every morning to remind him from “the streets” he came from. I would never go back there as a tourist but this song reminds me that I survived living in a place that saw pipe bombs go off and race riots. Brixton, England is not for young white boys from the States.

Big Mountain: Baby, I Love Your Way
Del Mar Fair Race Track, San Diego, CA. This concert was one of the most fun I’ve had (with my family in tow). This song represents the summers of my youth and all of the days spent living on the beach. La Jolla Shores Tennis Club (and the towel service) lives on when this song cycles through my iTunes playlists.

The Haircut

In my grand list of things to get done this week there was one item in particular that normally is not an issue. For some reason the stars aligned to make this a week of speed bumps and problems. My adventure in getting my hair cut did not go according to plan (or budget).

Since my (non) haircut is a visual thing I thought I would opt for a videoblog this time around.

If you know of a good stylist/barber that I can go to after my hair grows back let me know. The 'pretend' stylist is fired - I figure I can simply disappear into the summer months and not go back. That's the polite way to fire your hair stylist, right?

The Blogging Hiatus is over (and has moved to blogspot)

This blog is purely based on my reactions to the world and that's gotta be worth a few laughs. Those that know me should be intrigued, those that were directed here by others might not be so entertained...give it a while. If you don't find it a little bit amusing then you can go back to mass forwarding emails about saving a sick child and other inbox chain-letters that everyone loathes.

Irony is what my life is. I see the strange. I'm a witness to insanity. My wandering eye notices the fun stuff that the majority dismiss or pass by without blinking. Those that have a keen eye know what I'm talking about. Essentially, the world impacts me more than I impact it but I'm working on that.

So why am I writing this you might ask? Know now that I know that you are asking yourself that question (just like I know that you had to read that sentence twice to figure out how poorly it was constructed). Essentially, I haven't touched my old (now defunct) blog in over a year and then I was asked to guest blog for a friend (a piece on buying Khaki's) and here I am setting up my own new blog. Sounds like the definition of a reactionary life, I know.

Does that make this blog a manifestation of my childish need to have what my friends have? You bet! Am I going to start neglecting this like a new toy before the first set of batteries die? Probably. Why should that matter in the here and now? You're reading it, right?

I'm already growing bored just going through and setting up this daggum thing (that's for my peeps in the south - my Texas drawl manifests itself every now and then). Is this a sign that my short-lived attention span will jeopardize the livelihood of this blog? Maybe, but you're still reading it, right?

As incentive to come back later, here is the post I mentioned earlier that promulgated this potential disaster known as my blog. The post below will be the summation of my venture (that's for my peeps in the north who might never read this but I had to include them too).

*posted without prior consent from the original blog owner but I wrote it so she will just have to deal with it. Found online at: http://www.spruance.blogspot.com/

Khaki's (Who knew it was more than just a color?)

From Left to Right, priced low-high
Target: Merona Lightweight Chino Pants $24.99
Express Men: Producer Pant Corded Pinstripe $59.50
J.Crew: Regular-fit Broken-in Chino $64.50
Banana Republic: Straight solid dress chino $78.00
Ralph Lauren: Slim Custom-Fit Chino $98.00

Father's Day is around the corner and here is my two cents on the wardrobe staple known as the Khaki pant. For some reason "Khaki" has become a catch-all category for any pant that is made of cotton and somewhat tan in color. Why bore you with the difference between Chino's and Khaki's when the majority of stores (& their sales associates) in Utah wouldn't have a clue if you asked them anyway.

Before I am accused of being a clothing snob (I am, I know I am, but that point is irrelevant) I am making the assumption that if you wanted semi-trendy clothes that self-destruct you will gladly visit the nearest Old Navy for a cargo pocket infested pair of American Eagle knock-offs which are actually Abercrombie & Fitch knock-offs created as a frat party perversion of a classic pant. If you are looking for clothing that is sold with worn and frayed seems or has the ability to hold everything you own in the 5 extra pockets then stop reading this now and go hang out at the Hollister and revel in the pseudo-California décor with its dated surf magazines and dark lighting that encourages shoplifting all while listening to blatantly marketed corporate alternative pop music you will eventually download illegally. There is a time and place for "new" pre-worn clothes (it's called high school where style is hand delivered by the media).

Please note that the suggestions I produced are still mass-market and bridge the budget from about $25-$100. No need to search any farther than your suburban mall on these choices.

Moving on…

I referred to the Khaki as a staple because its classic nature makes it the chameleon in your closet. It goes to work on a Friday or a date Wednesday night and can run errands on a Saturday morning. A classic cut and fit will carry you longer than the sloppy styles tagged as "loose cut" or "casual fit." Avoid the elastic wastes – accept your waist size and buy a properly sized garment.

Color is more flexible with a Khaki than in a traditional pant. American style has dictated that just about anything will pair-up with a shade of tan. The more pale the pant is (almost white or bone) the more it should be worn in summer and it can be a thinner, lighter cotton. The darker colors should be kept in the closet until the temperatures take a dip for the winter and be a heavier cotton.

Next up is the lineup (see photo above):

All classic, plain front (pleats should be avoided – don't talk yourself into it just because they are a nice brand and on "Sale" – there is a reason they are on sale). Don't assume that since you "know your size" that you can just snatch and grab from the rack – try on a few pairs. As painful as it can be it needs to be done – each brand has different fits, cuts, and styles (casual at one store is not casual at another). Also, if you don't live at the beach you should avoid getting a length that hits at or above the ankle. Unless you wear Sperry's and hangout at the marina, hey – you might, you should avoid anything but the traditional length.

Now what you wear with the Khaki is an entirely different topic and is dictated by our own style.