What I did this Summer (take 1)

Sure, the retelling of "what I did this summer" usually happens when you get back from vacation and stand in front of your elementary school class. A bag of sand, a few seashells and a postcard "wishing you were here" all splayed in front of oohing and ahhing classmates. A silent tension, everyone vying for who did the coolest things while away from the confines of the classroom is a highlight of the fall term.

I figure if I wait until September I will forget the best (mis)adventures of the summer so here we go with round one. Memorial Day weekend officially kicks off all things summer. Somehow growing up we always ended up leaving California and coming to Park City, Yellowstone, or the national parks in and around Utah. Now that I live here I want to return to California but since Hunter is up from Houston (& I just went to CA) we stuck it out close to home for Memorial Day weekend. Here is what I learned over these fine 3 days of summer vacation:

-Bonfires can potentially be ruined by friends inviting friends of friends and having said individuals consists of tools, posers, sheltered bubble children, and those that want their lives to be as “exciting as the Hills.” How could I forget, there are also those kids that still communicate exclusively through insider mission stories (WTF?!). In this situation one must use patience as a weapon of choice and wait out the needy, they will find shiny objects elsewhere.

-Enjoyment of particular bonfires can be maintained by ignoring passive aggressive people that feel entitled to attention and act out like spoiled children when they don’t get what they want. Bonus points to the whack job that couldn't stay behind with a swine flu cough and camped out at a nearby picnic table coughing for all the sympathetic ears. This sickly individual sure could gobble a charred brawt when it came time to eat though, she had a magic gullet.

-Events that are spontaneously planned should still be planned enough to include a destination and communication to the socially infirm (see friends of friends of friends) so they can make it to the mountainous destination without having to run red lights in a game of vehicular follow-the-leader.

-It’s OK to expose posers for what they are. Especially when the dinks can’t even talk the talk to begin with. Example: whitebread, flatbrim hat wearing Utah rappers that barely have fireside cred let alone street cred (Yo, yo dawg. Next time leave TightyWhitey & Crew off the guest list).

-Trips to Park City for the Alpine Coaster/Slide can be derailed by surprise guest appearances by girlfriends of friends of friends that exhibit unjustified demands and socially aggressive behavior. Good thing this one was kept in check from the click of her 3-point seat belt. Too bad the nagging could be heard throughout the stillness of the Aspen trees at PCMR. Auditory deflection can be used to block out sniveling tantrums, some people are as transparent as scotch tape (Caution: it's OK to put baby in the corner in this situation).

-When there is a possibility of defaulting to a bad dining destination one must fight passive aggressive behavior with matter-of-fact statements like: “no” and “we shouldn’t waste our money there.”

-Shopping with great people can make the outlets fun, if not completely entertaining.

-Doing expensive things with cheap people can be trying at times (especially when expensive starts at the "anything over $10 level). Red Rock Brewery trumps the Baja Cantina at PCMR any day of the week, suck it up and pay the extra $5.

Lessons all worth learning, I just wish they weren't so "trial and error" while Hunter is in town from Houston. Next time the pesky people come swarming I will pack my repellant. Deet works on people too ya know.

International Meeting Day 2009 (seriously)

* * * *

In case you can't read the posted disclaimer:
International Meeting Day 2009
Events canceled due to H1N1
Flu Outbreak at the Bakery

Help yourself to a discounted
Cookie!
(as a joke people, there's not an outbreak that I know of)

Almost forgot, here is the agenda for IMD 2009:

Theme: Putting the “IN” back in INternational Meetings

10:00 Distribution of official “Int’l Meeting Day” refreshments and MeetINg Appreciation session

11:00 Come IN & Sit Down: How to Chillax your next meetINg

11:30 INevitable Issues: plannINg on miracles & where to order them on the INternet

12:00 How technology can better INefficientize INternational collaboration and discussion (Podcast for iPhones only)

12:30 Dissecting the INsanity of an ABA visit

1:00 Getting INto Wallets, Polite PickpocketINg

1:30 RennovatINg with Main Campus IN 2 Easy Steps: How to play the 1) Request & 2) Wait game

2:00 INcreasINg revenue at home while decreasINg debt abroad (it’s IN the bag)

2:30 Breakout Sessions:

Group A: FINdINg Acceptance IN Rejection: Why didn’t I get INto law school?

Group B: INterrogating candidates to determine INtelligence

Group C: LivINg among mere mortals: my trials as a nINja in the workplace

Group D: The INs and outs of breakINg down the INsidious INclusiveness withIN the INner admINistrative Circle – How to Barter with Chocolate!

Group E: Video ConferencINg: making YouTube IN the office count

Group F: PlayINg It Safe: how to Bcc with the best of them

Group G: ImplementINg work plans IN 4 time zones with INtensity

2:45 Musical Interlude

2:55 Wrap-up: Discussion leaders summarize the “takeaway points” from each session.

3:00 INaction Items: What are those (& how do I get some them?)

3:30 Calisthenics: Facial Warm Ups: How to avoid INadvertent & INappropriate facial responses to coworkers

4:00 Strategic SeatINg: Life IN the back row, it’s better than you think

4:30 Snow Removal: June assignments

5:00 MeetINg Agendas: To Be Distributed via Courier Pigeons

5:30 Wrap-up: Take Aways (that you can remember)

5:55 ½ Assignments for Int’l MeetINg Day 2010

6:00 Final Thoughts

6:02 Schedule Next MeetINg

6:03 Smoke'em if you got'em (just no where near the building please)

I'm sending out a S.O.S...from Table #7

This is what happens when friends don't call friends to bail them out of work obligations. I simply asked for one phone call by 7:00 PM tonight so I could be 'that guy' that has to mysteriously exit a dinner program. Did I get any love? N-O. Did I stay for the whole thing? Just look at the picture, seems the Marriott is now giving away flowery hair accessories with every dessert. Any takers?

PS: I missed out on Wicked for this, yes...this.

Table #4

It's not every night you get to have dinner with the former President of Colombia (the country, Columbia is the university). Cesar Gaviria definitely has opinions on US foreign policy so it was fun watching the faces of the international scholars at my table. The man was as fun to watch as he was to listen to. The next time I play charades (which I hope is not for a very long time) I now know how to act out: Chewing Cocoa Leaves.

I admit, anyone who gets a knock on their door at home by Fidel Castro has my attention.

Table #4 was the place to be Thursday night, where were you?

Bull $h!t

For some reason my parents decided to purchase a bull last week. [Feel free to reread that introductory sentence again if you need to] I cannot recount the timeline that resulted in the new addition to our family – other than it includes an online auction, an uncle with a cattle ranch in Oklahoma, and my parents becoming members of some cattle ranchers association.

Fast forward through my confusion and unbelief…Friday I found myself leaving work and packing for an unplanned trip to Rexburg, Idaho; home to Ramirez’ carne asada burrito’s, BYU Idaho, and Bear World (guess which one of the three appeal to me). As the universe would have it, the bull was in Idaho being prepped for shipment to Oklahoma this week so we had to go see it. As the ever-skeptical member of the family I was sure that this was April Fool’s a few weeks early. This had to be an elaborate way to get me to cross back into scenic Idaho, the home I never had. As always, the joke was on me (rather the joke was on me thinking this was a joke).

Friday night was upon us as my sister and I pulled into town minutes before my parents. It’s always great to see my brother and his family – they are the best. After 15 minutes of catching up it was on to more important things: food. As mentioned above, we headed out for Ramirez' Mexican food. It’s never a good thing to eat late at night but when I’m hungry and have a craving just try to talk me into something sensible. Grease, cheese, salsa, beans & beef - what's not kosher about that at 10:00 PM?

I spent a comfy night on the floor and awoke to the news that the bull had been shipped out the day before. HAH! I knew it was a joke. Our day at the ranch was quickly canceled and an alternate itinerary needed to be generated. Hmmm, what to do in Rexburg on a Saturday? We had already had the staple, local burrito the night before so of course that meant finding another place to eat…2+ hours later we were in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. If ever you doubted my family vacation plans are centered around food let this be your shining example.

After the 30-minute stroll around historic Jackson we discovered that T-Shirt makers founded the city and it has been the core commodity since tourists descended upon the great valley. We spent an undue amount of time pondering the fact that you can attach antlers to anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, and sell it at a huge markup. I learned that many park benches there have handles underneath them that open to the cave dwelling people from The Land of the Lost (Chaka, where are?). I was disturbed by the abandoned spoon and sock near the handle but I'm sure the rightful owner will reclaim these treasures when needed.

My father insisted on taking the long drive back so he could see the Snake River. He swiftly fell asleep in the passenger seat after 5 minutes on the road. The lethargy that follows a meal with sides of beans and rice are well known (as are the other side effects). The beauty of the Targhee forest was almost enough to distract us from the fact that my brother’s Yukon Denali had been instantly converted to a CNG (compressed natural gas) hybrid. Thank goodness for the square ice cream tourist trap out in the middle of nowhere, it was a welcomed chance to stretch the legs (I neglected to mention I worked out that morning and like an idiot, I worked legs). Eventually we returned to the village of Rexburg and got dinner started. My sister-in-law had tamales all ready to go (Mexican food was the theme for this trip if you haven’t figured that out yet) and my brother and I headed to the RedBox to see what was left. The funny thing about finding a movie in a college town on a Saturday night is that there are never any viable options. Complicating our situation was the reality of watching a film that the parents, a wife, and a sister would enjoy (this is an instant 3 strike rule). With a “borrowed” copy of The Taken in the DVD player we watched and learned to be fearful of Parisian prostitution rings and simultaneously wondered why we were eating Mexican food again?!

Another night on the floor and a solid kink in my neck made for a fun drive back to Utah. One might think that the freezing rain, snow, and road sludge were icing on the cake but that honor is reserved for our road trip lunch stop…Taco Bell. My expectations for dining while on the road are lowered and when having to select from the options in Blackfoot, Idaho they are severely lowered. We all have moments of weakness; this was more like a moment of disgrace.

As for the bull? Well, that could very well be just a load of bull $h!t. True Story.

Off the wagon: Part Deux

So much for going without soda. Roadtrips allow for these types of small exceptions: family gatherings, Idaho, and lengthy car rides through the land called desolation cause people to do crazy things.

Stay posted for pictures of the new family pet (this one might get me to hit the hard stuff).

My Coke is the one on the left, in case you wondered.

The End of an (Expensive) Era

The day has finally come. After over 5 years of being at my current workplace I finally caved. I’m not sure what led to this turn of events but this can easily be categorized as life changing (for me). I have resisted the urge, I have had little reason to change, the incentives were never there, it is purely selfish and the money spent on perpetuating this nasty habit is something that only Wells Fargo can comprehend.

Yes my friends, I have brought my lunch to work. (Gasp) As a hush falls over the crowd let me assure you that this took 4 days of vacation time to get around to cooking something, let alone something that would allow leftovers to fill the Gladware that collects dust in the cupboards. Mark your calendars for this momentous occasion since one of my main reasons for not bringing lunch is based in the hard fact that we have food for events all of the time. It’s not that unusual for those that regularly bring a lunch let it spoil in the fridge since there is something more tasty in the lounge, left at the front desk, or a group heading down the street for a bite.

Granted, I am the one that usually gathers a group and heads out the door to pick up something from 1300 East or 400 South but I’m turning a new leaf. I promise to minimize my role as the tempter for those that bring their lunch – it hasn’t been my intent to be the lunch hour Lucifer. My promises and proposals for succulent options that sound better than your smashed PB&J or microwave diet entrée.

I now join the ranks of those in line at the microwave to reheat some smelly dish. I am sad to say goodbye to my spendy dining habits but I’m sure I will feel better about the money I save.

Then again, I just got the email that we are having salads delivered at 12:30. Screw the Spanish Rice and Chicken in the mini-fridge – I’m off the (chuck)wagon. True Story.

Karma is a Beach

After my last post (sent from the car wash) I had to take a break – seems the universe repaid me for sharing my opinion and judgment. I will not go into detail but the penalty for mocking someone in the car wash came with a hefty price. I am too embarrassed to even post the few photos of what the rest of the day entailed. For those that I trust I will (or already have shared) the 4 photos of shame. So far only Kate has betrayed my trust and shared it with an entire table at the Tepanyaki Japanese Grill in Lehi.

Silver lining: I learned that if I didn’t own a Honda things may have turned out for the worse

Another karmic example would be the hilarity of dog sitting and my misguided attempt to let a chocolate lab act as the steam locomotive that could pull me on my longboard. I promise, I do have three college degrees and a marginal understanding of physics. As with all great disasters, it seemed like a good idea at the time. [How could this be any different from being towed on skis behind a snowmobile up a ski slope? Really?]

Things were fine until my center of gravity and the velocity of the dog were compromised by the unexpected variable known to the layman as ducks. Yes, I abandoned ship as the gallop turned into the “seek and destroy” velocity of a guided missile. My K-9 ward, sweet and affable, experienced a demonic possession by the spirit of that laughing dog from Nintendo’s Duck Hunt. Off towards the grass and ganders the dog leapt. I released the leash while having a flashback to an A-Team episode where Hannibal gave sage advice to Ace: roll when you hit the ground. This mental interstitial quickly gave way to a choice four-letter expression that was socially allowable for the circumstances. My struggle to stay upright translated into a vaudeville characterization that was more Scooby-Doo than controlled. In a battle that was lost within seconds, I opted for a face-to-face greeting with the slimy grass of Sugar House park. The freshly melted and exposed grass made for a well-greased slide that accommodated my graceful quasi-cart wheeled belly flop.

While slopping the mud off of my knees I thought about how stupid I must look. Ego and embarrassment almost took hold until I had to answer to a dog that was hell-bent on doing at least one lap around the park. I couldn’t disappoint the dog so with leash in hand and mud in my eye we kept on chugging (longboard in hand, not under foot). After one lap I stowed the board and we made another round and the mud eventually flaked off. One more opportunity to laugh at myself.

The universe had many lessons to teach this past week. As always, I made the ideal pupil and obviously obliged. In any event I had a great time dog sitting, longboarding, getting a free mud scrub, and generally making a spectacle of myself in public. True Story.

For kicks here is a quickie to make up for my recent silence:
Last weekend also included a visit to Joe’s Crab Shack – I give it two enthusiastic thumbs down. Even with low expectations that place can’t pass muster. The only saving grace would be the company that you surround yourself with (two thumbs up + a Macarena dance).

Matt’s Dining Tip #428b: Make sure that you don’t ask for lemon with your fish at Joe’s Crab Trap. Why, why would you not want to ask for lemon with your fish?! Well, since you are asking I will tell you. For some reason this request equates to asking your waitress to turn into a sneering, neglectful, nasty Cracken. Never, I repeat, NEVER ask for lemons and (whatever level comes above never) ask for more lemons. And if you are going to leave a 10% gratuity you better be able to haul ass outta there.

Great News! I’m Pregnant...

...or at least I have the cravings of a pregnant lady. I swear on the graves of both my crazy grandmothers that I should never go grocery shopping while hungry. On days that I do cardio at the gym (like today) I am closer to having the brainpower of a single-celled organism than someone that has opposable thumbs.

For anyone that has known me long enough you know that I tend to get very VERY specific cravings. It would get me in trouble while living in Texas because I had no problem driving an hour (sometimes a lot more) just to satisfy what my stomach desired. I use the word “our” because my stomach and I are two distinct beings. When it gets hungry enough it will carry our conversations and blurt out its demands in the form or some of the loudest growls and grumbles known to the scientific community. Helen Keller would be scared to death by the sudden and violent declarations from my social stomach.

I figure, my body knows when it needs carbs – it’s when I get amped for chicken pasta salad and a baked potato; when it needs protein – I find myself in the butcher shop at the local grocer; when it needs glucose – I can chug cranberry juice like an alcoholic at a free all-you-can-drink beer garden (keep the bladder infection comments to a minimum).

Moving on…tonight I found myself at Smith’s (Kroger to the rest of the world) searching for a treat that I had discovered two weeks ago: Chocolate Chunk Pecan Cookies. They were the perfect example of a substantial cookie –the right level of chewiness and packed with chunks of, well chunks of chocolate and pecans. I had a new favorite on my list and I wasn’t going home without those tasty morsels in my bag.

There were two tables of cookies near the bakery and not one package that had a label that included “pecans.” I circled the table at least two times before I started stacking and rearranging each clear plastic container. It never occurred to me that they might not always have this variety or that they could all be gone. I knew in my heart of hearts that one was hiding – one that was ready to come home with me. After constructing small towers resembling the New York City skyline I was trying not to panic as each one was simply labeled Chocolate Chunk or Oatmeal Walnut.

Here is where the After-School Special portion of my story comes in…as I was about to give up and ask an employee for help I saw what could be, what I hoped would be, what really was…Chocolate Chunk Pecan. (Never give up on your dreams kids, never.) I caught myself whispering a sharp self-congratulatory “ha!” It got the attention of another shopper but at this point there was no room for self-consciousness. Who could be embarrassed by the fact that they were in possession of the only box of these cookies in the whole store? I had rearranged two tables of baked goods looking for this one package. It was a strange yet good feeling. My stomach approved and allowed my brain to start thinking about other essentials like milk, cereal, and fruit. I casually gathered my other items and headed for the self-checkout. It was a productive trip to the grocery store but time to get home and bust open those cookies.

The kicker of it all…I know, you are asking how could there be more? You got the damn cookies dude! Well, I got home, unpacked the goods, poured a glass of cold milk and took two cookies for the victory banquet. My first bite was filled with expectations, expectations of chewy chocolate and subtle hints of cinnamon and nutmeg goodness. As anyone familiar with Windows Vista can relate to, my cookie was dry, cracked, and not quite like the last version. How quickly these cookies were taken off my stomach’s list of desired desserts.

Betrayal of the worst kind: dining inconsistency

(For those that might be wondering, of course I didn’t throw them out – I dipped them in milk and pretended that I just didn’t waste $4 on a dozen Chocolate Chunk Pecan doorstops)