What I Did on My Summer Vacation: Part II, The Narrows

[Roll the R’s people, like in Spanish class. It’s the Narrrrrrrows]

Summer vacation at last. Here is my tale of the road trip that almost wasn’t. The threat of flash floods and threats from coworkers about my eminent demise in such flash floods had me scrambling for a Plan B, C, D,…H. Instead of hiking the Narrows we could go to Vegas, LA, San Diego, San Francisco, Catalina Island,…but we kept the faith, endured to the end and were rewarded for our patience (and stupidity).

Day 1: Hurry Up & Wait

We got a late start on the road. The weather in Salt Lake was less than desirable (all the more reason to get the heck outta Dodge). I spent the morning doing laundry and shopping for last minute things that I don’t need.

We arrived in Springdale (the little town next to Zion National Park) a little late and opted to upgrade from a campsite to a hotel room. I know, I’m not a camping purest but it helps that Jesse & Brian were easily swayed for the change of sleeping venue: setting up camp in the dark, unpacking early to catch our morning shuttle v beds, showers, and cable TV. (Hotel wins)

Day 2: The Blind Leading the Blind [hiking not to scale]

6 hours. That is how long it generally takes to reach campsite 6, our ultimate destination for the first round of hiking. Make your guesses now how long it took us…I’m setting the under/over at 8 hours. (hint: it took longer than 8 hours)

The off-road shuttle bus took about 2 hours to get us to the drop spot. After being left in the middle of nowhere we headed down stream (under the assumption that we shouldn’t use the road that had a No Trespassing sign). Armed only with a narrative listing of what we should be seeing, passing, and hiking through with extra help from a visitor center map we played ‘follow the leader’ through boggy marshland. After an hour or so doubt crept into Jesse’s mind and we had to face the reality that we might be headed in the wrong direction. Turns out we should have been on a Jeep trail instead of a stream bed. Pressing forward, in search of an abandoned cabin at mile 3, we were silently elated that the cabin existed. After an impromptu photo shoot we kept a leisurely pace into the canyon and eventually the Narrows. Eventually we had lunch, tested out the water purifier and I managed to drop my camera in the river. Never fear the camera still worked, I couldn’t change the settings and the flash was permanently disabled but it worked. As the sun started to descend in the sky so did our hopes of reaching campsite 6, we hadn’t even seen campsite 1 yet. We picked up the pace and our anxiety quickened proportionately. We played a game of reenacting or quoting memorable scenes from Jurassic Park, I dubbed the game Feed Me a Line. Turns out Brian is an idiot savant when it comes to remembering movie lines. He won and deservedly so.

The shadows in the canyon stretched down on us just as we hit campsite 1. A new river joined us and the rushing water doubled in cubic inches. The nice riverbed rocks morphed into slippery bowling balls and we stayed our course with grumblings from Brian and myself, Jesse decided to start singing (classic coping mechanisms). With each zigzagging of the river we kept a lookout for campsite designations. We contemplated setting up camp at 4 or 5 but, of course, they already were filled with hikers (the first people we had seen all day). With darkness officially surrounding us we broke out the headlamps and flashlights. After 5 minutes of the death march Jesse spotted Campsite 6 up in the brush. We set up camp, hung up our soaked clothes, cooked the best chicken & rice (and worst lasagna ever) & fell fast asleep.

Day 3: 6 Hours Left [Says Who???]

With the newfound knowledge that our pace was well below the “average” hiker we wanted to ensure that we got out of the Narrows before the next sunset. Somehow this knowledge didn’t translate to an early departure. We woke up late and were feeling the brunt of bruised toes and sore knees. We eventually hit the point of having to “go swimming” with our packs (glad they floated). We rested when we needed and screamed every time one would stub their toe. Jesse eventually stopped taking pictures every 10 minutes (his dry bag got scratched and was problematic, hope some of his pictures turn out).

After what seemed to be 100’s of twists and turns through the Narrows we were gradually joined by other hikers headed down stream (a sign that the end was within grasp). I knew we were close when old ladies puffing on cigarettes were hiking with us (PS: who the hell goes to a National Park and lights up cancer sticks?!). After reaching the trail terminus and posing for our “After” photo we tackled the paved path to the shuttle. This short path turned out to be about 2 miles long and felt like it might never end. The shuttle got us back to the visitor’s center just in time to hike to the city shuttle stop (this hike was never going to end!). When we got to the hotel/outfitter stop I was the last one to grab my stuff and complete my own version of the walk of shame through the bus; tired, smelly, mentally exhausted, and afraid of falling down the shuttle steps from fatigue. To my surprise, I looked down and there was my boss with his family boarding the shuttle as the headed to dinner.

Yes people, I went on vacation and my boss happened to find me 100’s of miles away from the office in a desert canyon town. But wait…we also ran into each other at dinner and discovered they were 4 doors down from us at the hotel we were checking into. I couldn’t script stuff like this!

Day 4: Curtain Call

With a good night sleep and aching bodies we all opted to hide out at the hotel all day. Angels Landing can wait for another trip; I couldn’t hike up steps let alone a hike that is rated as Stair Master difficult (according to the brochure). We borrowed some DVDs from the front desk and watched HBO only leaving for meals. This day was the dream of slackers everywhere. The curtains were drawn and daylight was barely seen.

We eventually traveled back into the park for an easy hike up to see the sunset. My vertigo kicked in a bit when looking over the edge of the cliff. Brian got a little too close to the edge, Jesse wasn't too happy, I waited for one of the unattended kids to run off the edge in defiance to their parents. All-in-all, a great day.

Day 5: Class .5 Rapids

After packing up and hitting the Spotted Dog for a breakfast buffet we headed back to the Zion Adventure Company outfitters for inner-tube rentals. For $15 we spent our last 2 hours in town drifting down the river. The water was cold, the rapids were mild, and the laughter was in great supply. We kept ending up in the vegetation on the banks and accosted by stray three branches. When we weren’t getting stuck on rocks and sand bars we were linked 3-abreast headed down what really was nothing more than an over glorified stream. After we passed under the 2nd bridge we hoofed it up to the road and waited for the shuttle. We looked like misguided hitch hikers that preferred to suntan on inner-tubes than walk another step. I love us. With a quick stop at Oscar’s on the way out of town we munched some lunch and hit the road back to the other Zion: SLC. Brian was a trooper and drove the entire way home. Jesse napped and I enjoyed the masterfully selected playlist (Craig Armstrong was just right for the drive through desolate Utah, aka Middle Earth). A few hundred miles later we were back home and trying to figure out how to wear work shoes with busted feet and pulled quads.

Vacation is awesome. True Story.

Karma is a Beach

After my last post (sent from the car wash) I had to take a break – seems the universe repaid me for sharing my opinion and judgment. I will not go into detail but the penalty for mocking someone in the car wash came with a hefty price. I am too embarrassed to even post the few photos of what the rest of the day entailed. For those that I trust I will (or already have shared) the 4 photos of shame. So far only Kate has betrayed my trust and shared it with an entire table at the Tepanyaki Japanese Grill in Lehi.

Silver lining: I learned that if I didn’t own a Honda things may have turned out for the worse

Another karmic example would be the hilarity of dog sitting and my misguided attempt to let a chocolate lab act as the steam locomotive that could pull me on my longboard. I promise, I do have three college degrees and a marginal understanding of physics. As with all great disasters, it seemed like a good idea at the time. [How could this be any different from being towed on skis behind a snowmobile up a ski slope? Really?]

Things were fine until my center of gravity and the velocity of the dog were compromised by the unexpected variable known to the layman as ducks. Yes, I abandoned ship as the gallop turned into the “seek and destroy” velocity of a guided missile. My K-9 ward, sweet and affable, experienced a demonic possession by the spirit of that laughing dog from Nintendo’s Duck Hunt. Off towards the grass and ganders the dog leapt. I released the leash while having a flashback to an A-Team episode where Hannibal gave sage advice to Ace: roll when you hit the ground. This mental interstitial quickly gave way to a choice four-letter expression that was socially allowable for the circumstances. My struggle to stay upright translated into a vaudeville characterization that was more Scooby-Doo than controlled. In a battle that was lost within seconds, I opted for a face-to-face greeting with the slimy grass of Sugar House park. The freshly melted and exposed grass made for a well-greased slide that accommodated my graceful quasi-cart wheeled belly flop.

While slopping the mud off of my knees I thought about how stupid I must look. Ego and embarrassment almost took hold until I had to answer to a dog that was hell-bent on doing at least one lap around the park. I couldn’t disappoint the dog so with leash in hand and mud in my eye we kept on chugging (longboard in hand, not under foot). After one lap I stowed the board and we made another round and the mud eventually flaked off. One more opportunity to laugh at myself.

The universe had many lessons to teach this past week. As always, I made the ideal pupil and obviously obliged. In any event I had a great time dog sitting, longboarding, getting a free mud scrub, and generally making a spectacle of myself in public. True Story.

For kicks here is a quickie to make up for my recent silence:
Last weekend also included a visit to Joe’s Crab Shack – I give it two enthusiastic thumbs down. Even with low expectations that place can’t pass muster. The only saving grace would be the company that you surround yourself with (two thumbs up + a Macarena dance).

Matt’s Dining Tip #428b: Make sure that you don’t ask for lemon with your fish at Joe’s Crab Trap. Why, why would you not want to ask for lemon with your fish?! Well, since you are asking I will tell you. For some reason this request equates to asking your waitress to turn into a sneering, neglectful, nasty Cracken. Never, I repeat, NEVER ask for lemons and (whatever level comes above never) ask for more lemons. And if you are going to leave a 10% gratuity you better be able to haul ass outta there.

Personal Day, #32

The annual event known as my birthday week has drawn to a close. I could go into the family folklore of how and why I celebrate half-birthdays and at times, quarterly and monthly birthdays but that takes up too much page space here. Please just accept the fact that I've had 32 attempts at great birthdays, most of them successful.

Thank you to everyone that contributed to my own version of VH1’s Best Week Ever. Thanks for the lunches, dinners, parties, and well wishes. And most of all, thanks to President Obama for agreeing to combine his inauguration as a way to kick off my week.

Birthdays have to be one of the most selfish things ever invented. I think that is why I like to share them with as many people as possible. My circle(s) of friends are strung across many walks of life and I think that the universe might implode if everyone was under the same roof. It’s been that way for most of my life so I have opted to spend quality time with smaller groups than one big night of stress, streamers, and screamers.

A true highlight this year was hitting six great Sundance films at the festival with my friends Jesse and Brian. I put my trust in others and abstained from picking any of the movies we would go see. Seems I don’t have the best luck in movie selection. You see, the festival and I have had a love-hate relationship over the past few years. My issues date back to sitting in the Park City library theater with my head between my legs doing controlled breathing so I didn’t puke all over the seats in front of me. Turns out I have been blessed with not only a small bladder but also a squeamish stomach. While watching Stephanie Daley give birth in her ski pants I just about lost it. Never fear, whatever vomit made it up my esophagus went back down.

This year my luck swung in the other direction. All six movies were great in their respective ways. Screenings were scattered over three days in Salt Lake City and Park City. I had the chance to see (in order of viewing):

Burma VJ: documentary about the video reporters in Burma

The Reckoning: documentary about the International Criminal Court’s in the Hague and their work prosecuting crimes against humanity

Push: Based on the novel by Sapphire: amazing. Even Penelope from SNL can't top this story

Moon: a sci-fi flick that has moral twists and turns rather than alien implausibility

Dead Snow: med students at a remote winter cabin are attacked by WWII German Nazi Zombies (yes, it was freakishly scary, funny at times, & subtitled)

Dare: Cruel Intentions on crack + threeways - censorship = Dare

Granted, I sat through a large portion of Dead Snow with my eyes covered or punching Jesse in the arm but there was no vomit or gag reflexes that kicked in this year.

All in all, it was a week that has me free from complaints. I am lucky to have so many wonderful friends that put up with a week of my birthday (and the month leading up to the blasted day). It was such a success this year we are planning an encore for Tuesday night. In case you need a reason to get everyone around a TV to watch American Idol on Tuesday just tell everyone you are hosting a birthday party in my honor. Order up some Este Pizza, crank up the volume, add some friends, and let the laughs roll.

Happy birthday indeed!

Personality Quiz: Judge Me By My Movies - Not a Questionnaire

For as long as there has been email there have been quizzes and questionnaires that present themselves as social divining rods that place you in simple, pigeonholed classifications. Are you a nurturer, a leper, giving, or needy? Are you compassionate, selfish, a leader, or a wallflower? For some reason answering 20 fill-in-the-blank questions or complying with “delete my answers and insert your own then forward to everyone you know” has the power to cast you as a red, yellow, blue, or white personality. Who needs to read books, visit with a therapist, or internalize deep questions when all you really need to decide is are you hugs or kisses, chocolate or vanilla, and who is most/least likely to reply?

Well in the spirit of all things asinine I am going to present you with my own personality test. One that has no relevance to anything other than what you can take away from my choice of DVD purchases. Mind you, these are not what I have rented or what is on my top 10 list. These are movies I have either inherited, been gifted, or spent my own dollar on. My subconscious decisions to keep or dismiss a movie are similar to the dilemma of the decision maker found on such fine TV shows as ElimiDate or Parental Control (translated as: there is a method to my madness but it is particular to each movie – no broad, sweeping checklist for what stays or goes). I am unable to list those that have been shunted to the trash so, just like online personality tests, this just got even more unscientific.

Sure there are plenty of movies I would like to own but I have restrained my purchases to a minimum. I have not gone down the path like some that buy a movie rather than Redboxing it. They have a collection of titles that triggers a “what the hell were you thinking when you bought this?!” response. The reply is usually along the lines of, “I thought it could be good” or my personal favorite, “It was on sale for $2.99, so worth it! Right?”

The only time I have ever found myself internally debating the “it is on sale” defense was at a local grocery store as a group of friends were discovering the treasures in the bin by the registers. I saw two classics that had to come home with me. The original Vacation and Fletch – two classic Chevy Chase flicks that would eventually sustain me as I went 6 weeks without cable after moving. That fact alone speaks volumes to who I am but in an attempt to add fuel to the fire (like an arsonists in an oil field) here is a list of the small video vault that resides in my ottoman:

(In no particular order, seriously)
National Lampoons Vacation, The Baxter, Drop Dead Gorgeous, Clue, Hot Fuzz, Blazing Saddles, Labyrinth, Office Space, American Beauty, Casino Royale, Fletch, In Bruges, The Big Lebowski, Psycho Beach Party, B.A.P.S., Nacho Libre, Seasons 1-3 of the Family Guy, Season 1 of MXC, The Sandlot, Toy Story 1 & 2, BMW Films: the Driver, Saints and Soldiers, Spellbound, Super Size Me, Saved, Goldmember, Zoolander, Young Frankenstein, Top Gun, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Airplane!, Waiting for Guffman, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the Goonies, Three Amigos, Teen Wolf 1 & 2, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Spaceballs, Step Into Liquid, Riding Giants, and Career Opportunities.*

*I confess that Career Opportunities is not actually mine. It has been high-jacked from my friend Mason, the czar of movies. I have watched it about 5 times in the past 2 months and think it is a sleeper classic of the 80’s. If you haven’t seen it you can always come over and watch it before Mason demands I return it.

So mull those over and try and figure out what my personality is. There is a story behind every purchase and I can elaborate extensively on each one (if required).